I love my children with my whole heart. In fact, they are a large part of the reason that I am no longer teaching. For so many years I had given my heart and soul to my students to the detriment of my family. I’m sad to say that they always got the stressed out, worn down mom and were often put on the back burner. I finally realized that it was time to give my heart and soul to my family, and that required me to walk away from the classroom. I just didn’t have the capacity to do be a good teacher and a good mom at the same time. It truly has turned out to be an unexpected blessing. No, it hasn’t been easy giving up that second income and relying solely on my husband’s income and I really miss my students, but there have been far more rewards that have made it all worth it. I have always had a close relationship with my oldest daughter. She is a lot like me in many ways, and I just get her (for the most part). Our relationship has only grown stronger since I stopped teaching. I love that she feels comfortable talking to me about important things. On the other hand, my youngest and I have butted heads majorly for most of her life. She and I are like oil and water, and she has blamed me for every single thing that has ever gone wrong in her life. She is the kid that would argue with me just for the sake of arguing over whether or not the sky was blue. For many years, our relationship was quite combative. She would yell at me and I would yell right back. That was basically the only way we communicated. Over the last couple of years, I have really worked to repair our relationship and learn how to best communicate with her. Thankfully, we have done a 180 and get along so much better. I think she actually likes me now! I truly love the relationships I have built with both of them now that I devote the majority of my time to them.
Again, I love my children. I really do! However, I NEED A BREAK FROM MY CHILDREN! Yes, that is really what this post is all about, and I am totally not kidding. Being secluded with them for the past 6/7 months has been A LOT. It was great at first. We got to spend time together and actually talk to each other instead of running from one thing to the next never really having time to even see each other much less talk to each other. Now, however, they are just bored out of their minds, and they come out of their rooms and just sit and talk NONSTOP, mostly about nothing important at all! They even follow me from room to room not even coming up for air. They both have ADHD and talk super fast anyway. When they aren’t doing anything to burn off all that excess energy, they instead talk. They talk and talk and talk, and they do not recognize my cues that I am either busy or not listening at all. They are completely oblivious. They just continue to talk about nonsense. It seems to have amplified with the start of school, too. They hold it all in while they stare at their computers. Then at the first break in their day, they just explode. For example, my oldest just came down because it is her lunch break. She went on a 10 minute spiel about the new update on her phone. I had to remind her multiple times that she needed to be eating her lunch instead of talking to me.
Each kid as a different show that they like to watch with me. I DVR it and then we watch it in the next day or two. In theory, this is a good thing. They still want to spend time with their mama which should make me happy, right? WRONG! I cannot stand watching T.V. or movies with them because they do not stop talking through the entire show. I can’t pay attention or even hear what is going on in the show because of all the talking and questions about every little thing. If they would just be quiet and listen, they would know what was going on. IT DRIVES ME NUTS! I honestly can’t imagine living inside their heads. Their brains work so different from mine and it seems to be running 90 miles a minute, and I just can’t keep up. Half the time, they talk so fast that I can’t understand them. Sometimes I can’t even follow the conversation because they jump all over the place and it just doesn’t make sense to me. I know that is part of living with ADHD, but wow! Sometimes it is overwhelming. I guess I should be thankful that they can at least hold it together for school.
I know that I just said at the beginning that I love that they talk to me, but I don’t have to love it 24/7, do I? Sometimes, I just need a break. I need an escape every now and then. When we are stuck in the house together for 90% of the time, I just get a little stir-crazy and need some time away. They really need to go back to school!! They need someone else to talk to besides me. I think all moms feel that way sometimes. It doesn’t mean we are bad moms and don’t love our kids. It just means that we are human, and we need to take time for ourselves to recharge (or our ears to stop ringing). I told my husband on Saturday that I needed a mommy break, and he kind of laughed and told me that I should enjoy it while it lasts. He says one day I will want these days back. I know he is probably right. It’s easier for him to say that because he isn’t here getting the brunt of it all day, everyday. I just really like quiet time, and I’m not getting much of it lately. I need it to be quiet in order for me to think and be productive. That is the difference in my brain and theirs. They need constant noise, and I can’t operate with noise.
I’m going to say this a third time…I love my kids. I love being their mom. I love their unique personalities. I just need a break sometimes, and right now is one of those times! Seriously, can I just walk around with noise canceling headphones?