Holding Back

Usually when I sit down to write on Tuesdays, it is typically about something going on in my life at the moment, something that I am struggling with, or something that I have learned about myself.  There are so many things that I want to write about today, but I can’t. It just isn’t the right time to share.  I don’t know if there ever will be a right time, but I know that now isn’t it.  It is hard to hold back, though.  Writing this blog has sort of become therapy for me.  It has been a way for me to get out my emotions and talk things through in my head. I’m taking things that I struggle with and putting them out there on display for the whole world to see which forces me to take a deep look into myself.  No one is talking back to me and giving me any advice like a real therapist would, but somehow it helps me to put it out there.  It helps me to figure things out on my own.  It allows me the opportunity to put my flaws and struggles on paper where I can examine them closely and figure out how to change it or make it better. Writing it out helps me to control my emotions and keep them in check.   It provides me with a way to improve who I am as a person on my own. Self-reflection is difficult for most people.  It is hard for me, but somehow this blog allows me to do it in a way that is therapeutic. I have done more self-reflection in the past 16 months writing this blog than I have done in my whole life.  I am working hard to change my mindset, change how I view things, and discover who I am at the core of my being so that I can be the best version of myself. Whether there are people out there that read my words or not, isn’t really what is important to me.  I am on a journey of self-discovery and that journey is mine alone.  If no one reads it, it doesn’t matter because it helped me to write it and that is what is most important for me.  My prayer is always that someone somewhere that reads my story will be encouraged or at least feel like they aren’t alone, but it’s ok if that never happens. 

Today I am holding back the emotions I am feeling and the things that are going on right now that are affecting me because other people are involved besides just me.  I want nothing more than to get my emotions out on paper so that I can process it all and deal with how I am feeling.  I am on a rollercoaster of emotions, and I just can’t share it all right now. My daughter has some big decisions coming up, and I don’t want my emotions or feelings to have a negative impact on those decisions. These are things that she has to decide on her own. Let me reassure you that it is nothing bad or horrible. It is just something that is happening in her life right now that is unexpected and challenging, and I am struggling with it almost as much as she is. It is a part of parenting, and we all know that parenting is hard.  Knowing the right thing to do or the right way to respond is hard when it is affecting you emotionally as well.  It is critical for me not to react with my emotions, but that is so hard to do.  I have heard many times that it is important that we RESPOND and not REACT.  A reaction is typically sudden, based on emotion, and not thought through carefully.  In contrast, a response is more thought out and carefully chosen. It is really difficult to not automatically react to the situation, but I have to figure out the right way to respond in order to help my child make the best decisions for her. That is why I am longing to write it all out. Writing my feelings helps me to respond and not react. Unfortunately, I have to hold back for now and keep my emotions in check some other way.  All I can do in this moment is pray about it and try my best to support her in whatever way I can without influencing her in one way or another. Hopefully one day I will be able to get it all out on paper and be able to make some sense of how I am feeling. Who knew that I would come to rely so heavily on my “therapist”?


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