Well, it is happening. It is really happening, and it scares me to death. The college brochures and emails have started coming daily for my oldest. I am not ready to think about that. She is certainly not ready to think about it. It’s happening too fast. How can it be that time already? She has 2 more years of high school before it really happens, but that day is approaching way quicker than I like. Next year is when we will start making the college visits and really narrowing it down. The thing that scares me the most is that I don’t think she is ready. I am terrified about her going off on her own. She isn’t mature enough, and I don’t know how she will handle life without us there. I swear my 11-year-old is way more mature than my 15-year-old. It is kind of sad, but it just who she is. She is so painfully shy, and has difficulty speaking up around others. She struggles with ordering her own food at a restaurant or answering the doctor’s questions when she has an appointment. We force her to do these things, but it is like pulling teeth. She is the kid that I have to tell to eat lunch when it is time, or she won’t eat. How in the world is she going to make it in college?
I see her so differently from myself when I was that age. I cared about my grades and wanting to get into a good school. I was doing everything I could to ensure I would get some scholarships. By the time I was her age, I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to major in education, and I knew that I wanted to go to a smaller school away from home. I was all ready to go visit different schools and make a decision on the best place for me. I already had ideas of the schools I wanted to see. I had a friend who was a couple of years older than me who I looked up to. She went to a small women’s college, and there was something about that idea that intrigued me. I choose several women’s colleges along with a few other small schools to visit. There was one women’s college that I had never heard of, but I remember getting a brochure in the mail and being very interested. The first time I set foot on that campus for a tour, I knew that that was the college for me. It was an instant feeling I got, and I was going to do whatever it took for me to go there. My child, though, doesn’t care about school and grades, and there has never been a thought of scholarships in her mind. She has no clue what she wants to do with her life, and she has no interest at all in colleges. She could care less. When we press her on it, she talks about all these big schools that I know will swallow her whole. She needs to go to a small school. I think that a school like I went to would be perfect for her, but she has no desire to go to the same school as me. She says there is no way she is going to a women’s college. I’m ok with that, but she really needs to start thinking about finding the one that is right for her. I honestly feel like my husband and I are going to be forced to choose a school for her, and I certainly don’t want that. I keep hoping that she is going to step up and be more responsible, but so far that hasn’t happened. I feel like we have pushed her pretty hard over the years and we have always had very high expectations for her. Some would say that we have been too hard on her, but it is only because we want the best for her. I just wish that she would care more and have more drive. I wish she would show some responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, she is a good kid and she stays out of trouble. She makes good grades, but she doesn’t push herself. It isn’t a priority for her. I think that is what is so hard about it for me. School was the #1 priority for me, and it is just hard for me to watch it not be for her.
The days are coming when she has to make some hard decisions. I will do my best to guide her, but I will be shaking through it all. I want so much for her in her future, and I know that God is going to lead her down the right path. I just wish I knew what that path was. It would sure make my life a lot easier! I just have to put my trust in God and her and just pray that it all works out the way it is meant to. I have to trust that the lessons we have taught her will be enough for her to make it out in the world on her own. She will always be my little peanut, and I will always worry about her. I have to prepare myself to let go. I’ve still got a little bit of time to hold on tight before that happens, though, and I plan to take advantage of every bit of it.