Ya’ll, please pray for me. Pray for patience, courage, sanity, calm nerves, and strength. My kid can drive! I cannot believe that I just typed that. I think I am still in denial that she is growing up. It was just yesterday that we brought the tiny peanut home from the hospital. How is it possible that she is old enough to drive? Where has the time gone? I feel like I blinked and missed it all. I also feel like I am starting to forget all the little moments throughout the years that I wanted to remember forever. We cram so much in that it is hard to remember it all. That really makes me so sad, though. I wish I could remember every single second of her growing into the beautiful young lady who seems to still be growing taller by the minute. I wish that I had savored it all more. Maybe then I would remember it. All of those years that I spent so wrapped up in my job took away so much of my focus on my own children. As much as I loved my job and working with all those special kids, I do wish it hadn’t taken all that time and energy away from my family. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t regret my decision to be a working mom or to be a special education teacher. What I do regret is that I allowed it to take over my life and rob my kids of a stress-free mom for so many years. If I could go back, I would still be a teacher/working mom, but I definitely would have gone about it differently. I would have taken more time for my family, and I would have tried harder to leave school at school. I wish I knew back then what I know now. I wish I had been as confident and in touch with what I really wanted out of life as I am now. While I can’t go back in time, I can only move forward and keep striving to be a more present mom, and to make up for time lost. My priorities are definitely in a different place, and I love it.
Anyway, back to the fact that my kids can drive and I need prayers. Her dad took her to the DMV this past weekend for her sign and knowledge tests. I refused to go because I knew that I would make her more nervous than she already was. Now she has a learner’s permit and can drive with one of us in the car. I have told my husband that it is going to be a long while before she does it with me because I can’t handle it. I get so nervous with just the thought of her behind the wheel. He is so much more calm and collected than I am. He is going to have to be the one to teach her. I can’t do it. It scares me so much. I much prefer to be in the back seat while he is the one next to her in the passenger seat. I try to distract myself so I am not paying attention to how close she is to the curb or that car parked on the side of the road. Seriously, this is my crazy, ADHD, “true blond” kid who sometimes acts like she is 6 and not 15. I worry so much that she isn’t mature enough, responsible enough, or even focused enough to be on the road. I don’t know how I am going to ever let her go off in a car without one of us once she gets her regular driver’s license. How do parents do that? I know that I will be a nervous wreck. How do you let go? I already have a problem with control, and I don’t know if I am going to be able to give up control of that. I have to admit though, she is doing much better than I ever expected, but I am still not ready for this. Prayers are much appreciated!