I’m having another one of those distracted days where I can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time. My brain is all over the place, and I can’t seem to complete a single project or task before I start on another one. This is the curse of over booking myself. I do it all the time, and I have written about it numerous times. I have a really hard time saying “no.” It is a fact, and it is a flaw. It is a fact and a flaw that I know about myself, yet I can’t seem to overcome it. It’s also not just about not being able to say no to others. I bring things on myself, too. I can’t say no to myself. I think I can do more than I can. I have grand ideas and dreams and I try to do more than my mind and body will allow, and I manage to overcommit myself constantly. Then I get overwhelmed and start to loose my mind like today. As much as I like to think of myself as my childhood idol, Wonder Woman, I’m really not her. I cannot do it all. It isn’t physically possible. There are not enough hours in the day. No matter how hard I work or how much time I devote or how many hours of sleep I loose, it can’t all be done. The perfectionist in me wants to kill myself to do everything to the best of my ability PLUS more, but I cannot give 100%, 100% of the time. That alone makes me feel like I am a failure because I feel like I am constantly letting others down, and I am letting myself down. In my head I think I am not good enough. I’m not worthy of the faith others put in me. I’m not worthy of the big dreams and goals I have. These are the negative things I tell myself constantly. This is the beat down I give myself in my head daily. It deflates my confidence, and it makes me feel worthless. I think a lot of people do the same thing. We are the judge and jury for ourselves, and we always find ourselves guilty. How is it that I can go from chastising myself for taking on too much to feeling like I am worthless and a failure? That is literally how my brain works. I seem to have a knack for turning everything into a fault or some kind of negative in my head.
This morning as I was feeling down on myself and thinking I was a failure, I was reminded of something in the Bible I read a couple of days ago in Ephesians 1. It reminded me that God chose me. He created me for a purpose, His purpose. He has blessed me, chosen me to be holy and blameless in His sight, predetermined who I would become, adopted me as His daughter through Jesus, and redeemed me through Christ’s blood. Even with all of my faults and failures, He chose me. He actually gave me these flaws that make me loose my mind, but He gave them to me for a purpose. Although I may not understand that purpose or see what good can come from the many flaws of mine, I am comforted in knowing that He chose this life for me. He gave me this desire to do more than I can physically keep up with for a purpose. I have to believe that good can come from it somewhere. On days like today when I feel like I am failing miserably or when I am overwhelmed, I have to remind myself of this message. I am who He designed me to be. I am whom He chose for me to be, and that means I am not a failure. I am not worthless. He may not have chosen me to be Wonder Woman, but He did choose me to be Allison. I am going to keep on trucking along, keep on overextending myself, and continue to try to do it all. BUT…I am going to do it all knowing that this is who I am meant to be. I’m not a failure. I am not worthless. I am CHOSEN.
Anchored and Chosen,