Well, it is official. Summer is over at our house as my kids head back to school today. I now have a sophomore in high school and a brand new middle schooler. How is that even possible? I am a little nervous about them both this morning. My oldest got her schedule on Monday and is missing a class. We aren’t sure what is going on with that, as no one will get back to us on it. Hopefully when she gets there today it will all be figured out. Otherwise, I have no idea what she will do for first block, and I might have to go up there and stir some people up to get it figured out. She is so painfully shy that she won’t do much to get it figured out on her own. I think I am more nervous for my middle schooler, though. It will be her first year of changing classes in a huge school with all new friends. Her elementary school feeds into 2 different middle schools, and her closest friends all ended up at the other school. The one friend she does have at her school isn’t in any of her classes. She was pretty bummed about that, too. This is my kid with anxiety, and I can tell that she is super nervous about the day. She practically cried over just getting her picture made this morning all while fussing about it. That is how I know that she is nervous. She gets very argumentative with me and yells for no reason when she is anxious. She doesn’t want to think about what lies ahead today. She is the one that had the hardest time with our move last year. It was hard enough for her to go to a new school last year with no friends, and now she is practically doing it all over again a year later. I hate it for her. I know how it feels to be the new kid and not know anyone. I pray that it all goes well and that there is plenty of help to get her where she needs to be for each block and that she finds a friend. I am also super worried about her with lunch. As I have shared before, she has a condition called Eosinaphillic Esophagitis, which has led her to also have an eating disorder in conjunction with the anxiety. She has a 504 Plan in place at school that allows some accommodations for her during lunch. However, she is so adamant about not being “different” and not wanting special accommodations that make her stand out, that we are trying things out different this year. I am scared to death that she isn’t going to eat. If she starts loosing weight, there will be disastrous consequences that I don’t even want to think about. I made her promise to me this morning in the car before she got out that she would eat her whole lunch. I told her I needed her to prove to me that she can do it on her own. I sure hope she can.
Is there ever a time when I won’t worry about my kids, especially the little one? I think I have worried about her every single day since she was born. It is so hard to be a mom, period. We as moms naturally worry about our kids, but when you have one that has special needs, that worry gets ramped up significantly. There is no way to really describe it accurately. The worry never leaves you. It is constantly on your mind. You will never truly know what I mean unless you have a child with special needs and experience it for yourself. It’s hard. I wish there was a way to turn it off and make it go away. I wish I could trust that she will be ok, but I just can’t. I can’t let it go. Yes, I worry about my oldest, but it isn’t something that is constantly on my mind like the other one. It’s different. With her, I worry about things like getting into college, grades, and what classes she will take. With my youngest I worry about growth and development, basic survival, and mental stability on top of the normal mom worries. The two just don’t compare. I really just never ends. It is like three little birds sitting on my shoulder all the time. The blue bird is telling me over and over again that she’s not okay. The red bird is saying that I need to be doing more to help her because I am failing miserably. The brown one is telling me to stop and let it go because she will figure it out on her own. It’s like a war going on inside my head at all times, and the blue and red always win out over the brown bird. I guess it is just part of being a mom. Life will continue to go on. I will continue to worry. I will keep holding out hope that the worry will go away one day or at least decrease.
Anchored and Worried,