Not My Timing

Today is my oldest daughter’s birthday.  She turns 15 today.  I know that all moms say this, but I just don’t know where the time has gone.  She was the one that made me a mama and it seems like only yesterday that this little bitty peanut entered this world.  We had been trying to have a baby for two years without success when I finally got pregnant.  We had done all of the infertility testing and nothing was coming up as a reason as to why we weren’t succeeding.  I had been taking Clomid for about 5 months when some blood work came back showing that I was no longer immune to the Rhubella virus.  My doctor advised me to stop the Clomid and to get the vaccination before continuing the next round.  It was nothing big but to me it was just another obstacle in the way of something that I had dreamed about for years. I remember a few days after that, I was feeling down and very discouraged.  I was home alone and I literally got up from the couch, got down on my knees and started really praying hard. I remember tears running down my face as I cried out to God and then a complete feeling of peace. I let it go.  I had to. The worry and stress every month for 2 years was a lot to carry.  The burden was too great. Well, before I could schedule that appointment for the vaccine, we found out that we were pregnant.  It was like another one of God’s signs to me that I needed to let go and quit trying to run things my way.  I needed to let him have control.  It was not about my timing.  It was about his.  Now if you haven’t figured this out yet, I really have a hard time giving up control. My type A, OCD self likes NEEDS to be in control all the time.  This is the case in every aspect of my life.  God has had to teach me this lesson over and over again.  In the midst of the lesson, I get it, but it doesn’t seem to sink in for the long term.  It doesn’t seem to stick.  I guess that is human nature.  Somehow I continue to struggle with giving him full control. Two years after my oldest was born, we started trying for our next baby.  Again, I struggled to get pregnant.  Again, I was put on Clomid.  Again, it wasn’t working. It took me two more years to get pregnant for the second time.  Instead of my kids being two years apart like we wanted, they are four years apart. It is not about my timing. It never is.  

Two other times that God taught me this same lesson was around the birth of both girls.  Neither of them entered the world on my timeline. I am a planner and my plan for both girls is not what occurred.  I went into labor with my oldest 3 weeks early.  I woke up in the middle of the night with contractions. I got up and tried to go back to sleep on the couch so that I wouldn’t wake up my husband.  I knew that I was in labor.  I just had a feeling, but do you know what I did? I got up at my usual time, showered, and got ready for work.  I wasn’t ready for the birth of my child.  I still had work to do.  It wasn’t time yet.  I was going to work even as I was having contractions.  Thankfully, I came to my senses and decided that maybe I should stay home.  Did I call my doctor right away? Nope! My husband went to work and I just laid down on the couch to watch tv.  I still was in denial that it was time despite knowing that I was in labor.  It wasn’t until I started hemorrhaging that I called the doctor and went to the office.  I was already 4 cm dilated.  He sent me straight to the hospital, and I had her only a few hours later with the help of a vacuum because she was in distress. She weighed only 4 lbs, 8 oz. It turns out that I had a partial placental abruption.  If I had waited longer to go in, something really bad could have happened.  It’s not about my timing. 

My second child was considered a high risk pregnancy due to my history with the first one and my thyroid problems (I had ½ of it removed when I was in college).  I was put on bed rest with her for the last month I was pregnant due to extreme swelling and fluctuations with my blood pressure and had to have a non-stress test every week for a month.  Did I mention that my husband was deployed through all of it including the birth? I had a scheduled induction with her, or at least I thought that I did.  My parents travelled 7 hours to be there with me since my husband was gone and I had an almost 4 year old at home.  I thought this birth was going to be on my time.  Well, I was wrong yet again.  Apparently there was some polar vortex that caused every military wife in the area to go into labor at the same time that I was scheduled to be induced.  I couldn’t be induced as scheduled because there were no beds for me! Can you guess how frustrated I was when every time I called, they told me to call back in a couple of hours and they would see if there was a bed available? This went on for 2 days before I got to go in. Again I had a forced delivery as she was in distress as well.   My husband just so happened to be pulled into a port at the time of the birth.  He was able to talk to us just after she was born.  Had she been born any later, he would have been back under the sea and missed her birth completely. It’s not about my timing. 

You would think that I would have figured out by now that God is in control of my life and that it isn’t about my timing, but I haven’t.  It is a lesson that he will have to teach me over and over again.  As I look back over the last 15 years of my daughter’s life, I am filled with emotion.  God’s timing is so beautiful.  I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it.  She is growing into an amazing young lady.  She is definitely one of a kind and a blond through and through. LOL! I love her to pieces and can’t wait to see what the next 15 years holds for her and what God has planned for her life in his time. It’s not my timing. It’s not her timing. It is only his. 

Anchored,

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