Can someone please explain to me why I continuously do things that sabotage myself? Why do I make things way more difficult than they need to be? For example just the other night I spent hours creating these adorable little cookie mixes in mason jars for all of my daughters’ coaches. Yes, they have a lot of coaches, 10 to be exact! (Click here for the recipe and original idea.) That was two nights ago. Guess what I did last night? I spent almost an hour designing and making these cute onesies for my daughter’s teacher who is pregnant. Why couldn’t I just buy some? It sure would have been easier. Why can’t I be like every other mom and just buy a mug, lotion, or gift card? Why do I always insist on making something handmade? I know it’s going to take me extra time that I don’t have. I know that it’s going to stress me out, yet I do it every freaking year. What is wrong with me? Is it because I’m a teacher and I have gotten too many mugs (I don’t even drink coffee) and smelly lotions (strong smells trigger my migraines) to count? Is it because I’m a crafty person, and I know people know this about me so I feel an obligation to be crafty? I have no idea, but I’m over it. Truthfully, I say that I am over it, but I guarantee you that I will be writing this same post next year because I will be doing the exact same thing. It’s like this never-ending cycle of torturing myself.
I always do this to myself. I cause myself unnecessary stress. Even for my kids’ birthdays, I try to do it all. I’ve made my girls’ birthday cakes every single year. It’s not just a simple box cake mix where I slap on some store bought icing either. No, it is a no kidding homemade cake and homemade icing. I can’t just slap some icing on there either. I have to actually decorate the cake. We have had cakes anywhere from a giraffe to a bunny to a Lalaloppsy cake with a Ferris Wheel on top to poop Emoji cupcakes. I even once made cupcakes for the dolls for an American Girl party! Store bought cakes are just as cute and probably taste just as good, so why can’t I just buy one? Now, in my defense, I had to make my youngest daughter’s cakes for several years because they had to be egg, dairy, and corn free. Let’s be real, though, I would have made them every year anyway. UGH! I also always feel the need to create some handmade party favors every year too. Things like personalized water bottles and headbands for a sporty party, personalized aprons for a cupcake party, and personalized storage boxes for a Shopkins themed party are just a sample of what I have done. This list goes on and on. I don’t think a single one of my kids has ever gone to a birthday party and gotten some homemade, personalized party favor, so why do I feel like I have to? Why do I kill myself to get it all done?
Let’s not forget all of the times that we have gone to Disney World and I felt the need to make the girls matching shirts! It’s not just one shirt either. It is matching shirts for every single day that we are there. It’s insane! I spend weeks on my computer designing the shirts and then I spend hours making them. Oh, and how about all of the shirts that I insisted on making myself for all of my students to wear at the Special Olympics every year. Why? Because I am INSANE! I really have a problem.
I am not Super Woman. I am not Wonder Woman (although she was my hero as a kid). Why do I try to be? I don’t have some secret super crafting power. Yes, I have always loved arts and crafts and making things, but when I am making stuff for teachers and party favors and shirts for Disney, it’s not fun. It’s stressful. Why is it stressful to do something that I actually love doing? It’s stressful because I am a perfectionist. It has to be my version of perfect before I give it to someone else. I would never dare give someone work that was crooked or messed up in anyway. I want it to be a reflection of who I am. It is this unrealistic image that I feel like I need to portray as the perfect mom and perfect teacher and perfect person. I know I am not perfect. I know my family is not perfect. I’ve said this many times before. I just have it in my head that I have to always strive for it. I guage my success on the reactions that others give me when they open it or see what I’ve made especially for them for the first time. Isn’t that sad? Super Mom? I think not! It’s more like Insane Mom. Do all moms do things like this to themselves or is it just me? Do we all sabotage ourselves for no reason at all? Tell me I’m not alone in this.
Anchored and Exhausted,