I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from it. I am human. Humans make mistakes. Sometimes I make big mistakes and sometimes I make little mistakes. Most of the time they are somewhere in between. I have been writing this little blog for almost a month now. I talk to you all about organization and the importance of it. I have talked all about having a schedule and how my planner is my life. Sometimes the most organized people in the world still mess up. I am definitely not saying that I am the most organized person in the world because that would be a lie. Yes, I like things organized. I like things scheduled and planned out, but that doesn’t mean that I always have it together. It doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. I am human. Humans are imperfect. That was me yesterday, completely imperfect. I made a mistake. To most it’s just a small mistake, but to me, it was huge. I beat myself up about it all day yesterday. Aren’t we our worst critics? Does it happen to you? When I tell you what I did, you are going to laugh and think I am crazy once again. You are going to think that something must be wrong with me to get so bothered by this one tiny thing. You guys, I am human.
Yesterday started like any normal day. I got up, got the kids up and ready for school, showered, and began my day according to my normal schedule. I got so wrapped up in writing my closet post and working my R+F business that I made one vital mistake. I never opened my planner to see what I had going on yesterday. I look at my planner first thing every morning normally. Yesterday I didn’t. I don’t know if you remember my post about schedules where I said that I live and breath by my planner. Why is it that I rely so heavily on my planner? I have said before that my OCD tendencies make me crave a schedule and order. Well, that is true, but it isn’t the only reason. The biggest reason that I rely on my planner is that my memory is horrible. The older I get, the worse it gets. I always tell my oldest daughter to remind me to do this or that. She always says back to me, “Ok, you are going to have to remind me to remind you.” That’s not how it works, right? I used to think that my forgetting things was due to the craziness and stress of my life and schedule back when I was working full time. I am no longer working full time, my stress load has decreased tremendously, but I am still forgetful. Most of the time I feel like my head is just overloaded with information and that my brain works overtime to keep it all straight. It keeps me awake at night. My brain just never slows down. When I don’t sleep, my head gets fuzzy. All the things running around in there get jumbled. That’s when mistakes happen. That’s when I mess up.
I was sitting here yesterday just working away when my phone rang. It was my youngest daughter’s school. My mind immediately went to thinking that she had a migraine or they were telling me she was sick because that’s normally what the school calls me for. Of course, that wasn’t the case. I answer the phone and I hear, “Hi, this is so and so from school. Um…we were scheduled for a meeting at 1:00 today. “ I look at the clock and see that it is 1:15. My stomach drops, and I instantly remember that we had a very important 504 meeting scheduled. It was like that Emoji where your palm is smacking you in the face and someone punching me in the stomach all at once. I immediately start apologizing. She was telling me it was no big deal and that it happens all the time, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t happen to me. I am supposed to always have it together. I am not supposed to make mistakes. I mean I wrote a freaking post about my daughter and her need for a 504 plan just the day before! You would think I would have remembered this important meeting. These are all the thoughts running through my head in this 2-minute conversation with the school. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do I do it to myself? Why do I have this idea in my head that I am supposed to be perfect even though I know we all have flaws? Why do I put this unnecessary pressure on myself? I think it is something we all do as women, but why? Is it society that makes us this way? Is it just a part of our DNA? Is it both? Why are we so quick to judge ourselves? We act like the judge and jury and declare ourselves guilty and subject to punishment all the time.
The school ended up telling me to come on in for the meeting, so I threw on my shoes and rushed to get there as fast as I could because I didn’t want them waiting on me for one minute longer. I think I apologized at least 10 times throughout the meeting. No one was upset. No one seemed annoyed. Everyone was smiling. The meeting went well. I got what I wanted, so why did I continue to think negatively about myself for the rest of the day? It was like a dark cloud was hanging over me. Thinking about it now makes it all seem so silly. Why did I let something so inconsequential destroy my day? It’s dumb, I know! We have to stop beating ourselves up over little things. Did it make me less of a person in their eyes? I don’t think so. Are they still thinking about how I forgot about the meeting? I highly doubt they have given it, or me for that matter, a second thought. Why should I let it make me feel so bad about myself? I shouldn’t. I somehow have to figure out how to train my brain to accept my flaws, to accept my imperfections. It doesn’t do me or anyone else any good to punish myself. I don’t have to be perfect all of the time. We, as humans, are made perfectly imperfect. Our flaws teach us lessons and help to make us who we are. It’s okay to make mistakes every now and then. In the words of my new BFF, Rachel Hollis, in her book Girl, Wash Your Face, “Give yourself the permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark.” Give myself grace. Choose peace over worry and stress. Be at peace with myself, flaws and all. That’s exactly what I need to do. Doing my best is all I can do. When my kids, husband, or friends mess up, I extend grace to them and I don’t let it eat me up inside. When I mess up, I have to learn to extend grace to myself. My mistakes are not the end of the world. I don’t have to be perfect all the time. It’s ok to be imperfect. It’s just who I am. I can only try and do the best I can. When those negative thoughts enter my head, I have to shut them down immediately. I have to change my mindset to be at peace with who I am, flaws and all. I have to think about all of the good things I am doing right instead of the things I have messed up. I am going to work on this. I think I might even put up a few sticky notes around my house to remind me to extend grace to myself and to choose peace. I am working hard to become a better version of myself piece by piece. I desire to be anchored in who I am and the person I want to be. That person is not someone who judges herself for her flaws. That person is someone who extends grace to herself when she messes up and is at peace with her flaws. I have to give myself credit for the good I am doing and ignore the bad. The good should outweigh the bad any day. I have to choose to search for good instead of the bad. I have to change my mindset. I have to set new goals for myself. Want to join me?
Anchored in Peace and Grace,